My friend told me I should email you. She believes I need you. Below is a summary of my current state of mind. What do I do next? Where can I find answers?
Welcome to the blog. Thanks for posting your question. I’ll sure try to be of some help.
I’ve been trying to get married, and it hasn’t happened. In fact, my mother told me there is no one she knows who can help me get married, including imams (she asked), friends, relatives, etc. I actually told my mother to ask more learned people in the community and she said no, there is no point.
You’ve been trying to do the right thing. The Prophet (PBUH) said, “Marriage is my way (Sunna). Whoever desires other than my way does not belong to me!” Narrated by Anas ibn Maalik and reported by Al-Bukhaari who rated it authentic.
Do not despair, nor should your mother. Recall the story of Jacob, after he lost his dearest son, Joseph, peace be upon them. His other children kept telling him to give up his hope of ever seeing Joseph alive again, even as they knew he was alive! And what was the old man reply? He said,
“He said, ‘I only bemoan my anguish and grief to God, and I know from God what you do not know.‘ ” (12:86)
That is the essence of faith in God. The certain knowledge that He has your best interest at heart, so to speak. You don’t know what God knows. You could have been saved from some horrible husbands. You may have been spared some ingrate children. Your very faith may have been protected from coming apart.
I find myself questioning Allah SWT. I have prayed a great deal for marriage but it never happened. My parents did not help, either. I live in a non-muslim country; in fact, I was born here. I wonder, if there is no leeway for a muslim girl to marry a non-muslim man.
While your dismay is natural, it is not healthy for your faith. The name of our religion means the willing surrender to God’s will. Our ambition is to please God, not to have God please us. The irony is that when we do please God, we become so pleased ourselves, nothing else seems important!
Why does Islam prohibit Muslim women from marrying non-Muslim men? This is based on the influence Islam assumes that the man has in the family. If he is not Muslim, the odds are high that the children won’t be either, and there’s a good chance the wife may leave Islam too, if her husband pressures her to.
The flip-side can also be true! A Muslim man who is highly influenced by his non-Muslim wife, may leave Islam for her sake. That is why many of the Salaf have opined that Muslim men, though allowed to, should not marry non-Muslim women. I personally agree with them.
Why did my parents immigrate to this country and have children, only to tell me that getting married is not possible? I don’t think that is fair.
I’m sure your parents did not do that on purpose! I’m sure there are parents like them whose daughter is now married. Find out about those and learn how they did it!
I read a lot of dua, but lately when I am speaking to God during my dua, I feel like in my heart it will not come true. After all, I’ve been reading the dua for over 15 years. In my dua, I ask Allah to please make 2011 more joyous than 2010 (I was briefly happy in 2010 because of someone I met, and had some hope then but it fell sharply). It is now July 2011, and I am still so sad. When I make this dua, I feel like I am “testing” God, because I know that He has not answered that prayer for me. When I ask my elders about getting married, they say to do dua because there is no other way. Am I being sinful for questioning my dua? Its been so many years that I have been praying, and I also do Istikhara and Salaat ul Hajaat. To me, it appears that God has given me His answer for now. Is it sinful to think that way?
Thoughts do not become sins until they are translated into words or action, so don’t worry.
How about thinking instead, “What wonderful things God has in store for me, if He has not written for me marriage?”, “Have I been missing the forest for the trees?”, “Did I meet the right man, but didn’t even notice him?”
Try to escape the box you’re in. Think outside it and inspiration will dawn on you.
I have also been experiencing “resentment” towards Islam lately. I had to question myself – if I want to get married, but the muslim community does not help me nor do my parents, will God nevertheless send me to Hell because I had no other options?
As much as marriage is an emphasized Sunna, it’s not a sin to fail to get married. There will be a few bachelors in Paradise 🙂
Will God punish the muslim community for failing to create marriage opportunities for muslim women like myself?
That may be true only if they stand in the way of a good marriage opportunity. The Prophet (PBUH) said, “If a man comes to you [asking for your daughter’s hand in marriage], and you approve of his religion and character, then accept his marriage proposal.” He then recited, “If you do not, tumult will be in the land and much mischief.” (8:73)
That hadeeth, narrated by Abu-Hurayra and reported by Al-Albaani who rated it Hasan (sound), makes clear what the primary criteria are for a good Muslim marriage: commitment to Islam and good conduct. Other factors, which most families hold higher in importance, are less important and should not stop the marriage from taking place. Things like wealth, social status, family name, career, looks, etc.
The same principle was emphasized by the Prophet (PBUH) for the suiter’s side. He said, “Women are married for four reasons: their beauty, their wealth, their lineage and their religion. Win the one with the religion, or else you will be miserable!” Narrated by Abu-Hurayra and reported by Abu-Daawood who rated it acceptable.
I just feel so guilty for harboring these thoughts. To be honest, I feel a bit like I want to “take a break” from all this dua and begging God, as it has left me emotionally and spiritually exhausted. Is that sinful?
No, but it’s not healthy. Your attitude toward dua (supplication) can use some refinement. A Muslim calls upon God for something, because God is the source of all things. But a Muslim also accepts what God grants him or her. A Muslim lets God answer his or her dua the way He sees best. Your dua may have already been answered, but you’re wearing blinders, so you can’t see it.
Will God have mercy on me because I am undergoing a test in life,
Certainly. The Prophet (PBUH) said, “No harm that hits a believer, even a pin on the road that stings him, but God will expiate by it of his sins!” Narrated by Abu-Hurayra and reported by Al-Bukhaari who rated it authentic.
I have prayed for a family of my own but those prayers have not come true and I now have to face a life alone? I must be honest that I am angry about that…angry because I did everythign right, I was obedient to my parents, relied on them for everything, and they did not take this aspect of my life seriously. Will God punish me for being angry?
Not unless the anger translates into words or actions that displease Him.
When we work hard for a goal and it never happens, it could be because we didn’t go about it correctly, even if we thought we did. It could be because it was not meant for us, for a wisdom that only God knows. It could be that the goal was achieved in another format and we are yet to recognize it.
I’ll end with these poems by Rumi,
“How could we know what an open field of sunlight is? Don’t insist on going where you think you want to go.”
“Give up to grace. The ocean takes care of each wave till it gets to shore.”
“You miss the garden, because you want a small fig from a random tree.”